


A Series of Unfortunate Dick Pics

by ivoughrie, LeftHand, Vashoth



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Texting, Wrong Number AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-30 17:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12113622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivoughrie/pseuds/ivoughrie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeftHand/pseuds/LeftHand, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vashoth/pseuds/Vashoth
Summary: [212]unknown (3:04AM):  you up?[929]unknown (3:08AM): why?[212]unknown (3:10AM): [image sent] why do you think? ;) ;)[929]unknown (3:11AM): is that Maggies?[212]unknown (3:12AM): you and I both know I didn’t name it Maggie.[929]unknown (3:12AM): not your dick, you idiot.[929]unknown (3:12AM): the take out.[929]unknown (3:12AM): i don’t fuck with people who order Maggies. wrong number.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tony's area code at the beginning is 212 and all of those texts are from him.  
> Bucky's is 929 and those are the ones from him. 
> 
> This is cowritten with Vashoth who did Bucky's texts and ivoughrie did Tony's.

**02/14/17**

 

 _[212]unknown (3:04AM):_ you up?

 

[929]unknown (3:08AM): why?

 

 _[212]unknown (3:10AM):_ [ _IMG92384_1.png sent_ ] why do you think? ;) ;)

 

[929]unknown (3:11AM): is that Maggies?

 

 _[212]unknown (3:12AM):_ you and I both know I didn’t name it _Maggie._

 

[929]unknown (3:12AM): not your dick, you idiot.

 

[929]unknown (3:12AM): the take out.

 

[929]unknown (3:12AM): i don’t fuck with people who order Maggies. wrong number.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:14AM):_ someone sends you a dick pic and you focus on the _takeout?_

 

[929]unknown (3:15AM): if it’s from the shittiest joint in ny?

 

[929]unknown (3:15AM): absolutely.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:16AM):_ they’re one of the few places in manhattan that deliver this late. 

 

[929]unknown (3:18AM): can’t believe someone managed to make a dick pic somehow more distasteful.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:19AM):_ the person i was trying to text seems to like how my dick tastes just fine actually.

 

[929]unknown (3:27AM): if they’re letting you eat maggies on valentines? dump’em.

 

 

**02/17/17**

 

 _[212]unknown (_ 2:21AM _):_ How’s this? [ _arbys_and_dick.png sent_ ]

 

[929]unknown (3:02AM): lighting is decent. angle could be better. looks like you’ve got an addiction to heartburn. 4/10.

‘

 _[212]unknown (3:19AM):_ is that better than last time? I need to know the score I got last time so i can know if i’ve improved.

 

[929]unknown (3:21AM): you can’t score lower than maggies.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:23AM):_ did maggie kill your family or something?

 

[929]unknown (3:26AM): yes

 

 _[212]unknown (3:28AM):_ looks like she got away with it too if she’s still allowed to run a bakery in manhattan. No wonder you’re bitter.

 

[929]unknown (3:36AM): bitter enough to reply to dick pics where the focus of the shot is on a fuckin arbys bag.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:38AM):_ knew you’d reply to it. So you up? ;)

 

[929]unknown (3:47AM): ain’t goin anywhere near a dick paired with arbys. sorry, mags.

 

 _[212]unknown (3:50AM):_ what do i have to pair it with?

 

[929]unknown (4:02AM): dignity.

 

 _[212]unknown (4:03AM):_ never heard of it.

 

 _[212]unknown (4:04AM):_ they deliver?

 

[929]unknown (4:04AM): not to your zipcode.

 

 _[212]unknown (4:05AM):_ pretty sure i could have them pull a few strings for me

 

[ _Contact’s Name Added!_ ]

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:05AM):_ i’m very convincing ;)

 

 

**02/22/17**

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:23AM)_ so i think i’ve finally found something that’ll impress you

 

_Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:23AM) [mcdonalds_and_dick.png sent]_

 

[929]unknown (3:40AM): is that black label and fuckin mcnuggets?

 

[929]unknown (3:42AM): 5/10. better than Arbys but a waste of scotch. you should be ashamed.

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:50AM):_ don’t worry. I have another bottle

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:50AM):_ share it with me?  ;)

 

[929]unknown (4:10): is this gonna be a thing with you now? should I just expect dick pics and fast food?

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:12AM):_ it was already a thing

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:12AM):_ glad to see you’re catching on tho

 

[929]unknown (4:21AM): yknow most people give up after a bad first impression

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:23AM):_ most people stop responding after a bad first impression

 

[929]unknown (4:24AM): [ _screenshot.png attached_ ] what can I say, you grew on me

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:25AM):_ [ _screenshot.png attached_ ] guess you’re ahead of me on that one

 

_[Contact’s Name Added!]_

 

(4:32AM): really??? three dick pics and I ain’t even got an emoji???? wow

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (4:35AM):_ [ _screenshot.png sent_ ] better?

 

(4:55AM): much

 

 

**02/23/17**

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:23PM):_ [ _three_course_meal_for_snobs.png_ _sent_ ]

 

(8:35PM): what, is there a three dick pic limit? 6/10 on the food, tho

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:36PM):_ no, it’s just considered rude to whip your dick out at a charity event

 

(8:40PM): coward.

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:42PM):_ i’ll show you mine if you show me yours

 

(8:45PM): [ _how_bout_a_bird_instead.png_ _attached_ ]

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:46PM):_ your dick metal too? Or is that only reserved for when you’re flipping people off?

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:46PM):_ why are you in bed already? Are you my grandpa

 

(8:48PM): yes. I’m very disappointed in you.

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:50PM): [the_fourth_course_is_dick.png sent]_ you less disappointed now? Does this get me up to 7/10?

 

(8:55PM): did you just sneak off to the bathroom to take a dick pic at a charity event?

 

(8:55PM): do you have a _boner_ at a charity event? jesus christ

 

(8:56PM): remember our talk about dignity????

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (8:57PM):_ no

 

(8:58PM): c’mon, mags.

 

 (9:05PM): still a 6/10.

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (9:06PM):_ you’ve made my dick sad. Couldn’t even give it one point?

 

(9:07PM): buddy youre the one takin dick pics at charity events. i had nothin to do with the sadness of your dick.

 

_Maggie’s Dick Guy (9:08PM): you asked for the dick pic_

 

[ _Contact Name Changed from ‘_ _’ ' to ‘makes my dick sad’!_ ]

 

makes my dick sad (9:08PM): irrelevant

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (9:08)_ [ _screenshot.png sent_ ] it’s not irrelevant

 

makes my dick sad (9:08PM): awwww, does this mean i aint gonna get any more presents at the ass crack of dawn?

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy_ (9:09): you admitting that my dick is a present now?

 

makes my dick sad (9:08PM): sure.

 

makes my dick sad (9:08PM): on par with a chilis gift card.

 

 

**02/24/17**

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (12:05AM)_ : [ _chilis_gift_and_dick.png sent_ ] got a present for you

 

makes my dick sad (3:01AM): you actually went and bought a chilis gift card? Wow

 

makes my dick sad (3:01AM): i can’t tell if i actually want this or not.

 

makes my dick sad (3:01AM): on one hand, free food. on the other, dignity.

 

makes my dick sad (3:02AM): you’re makin it hard to be a good role model, mags.

 

makes my dick sad (3:06AM): (did you manscape?)

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:07AM):_ it seemed like you wanted a giftcard earlier

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:07AM):_ if i did does that earn me more points?

 

makes my dick sad (3:08AM): i… i can’t tell. maybe???? ask me again when my shift’s over and i’m just tired and hungry enough to actually eat fuckin chilis.

 

makes my dick sad (3:09AM): wait. you left a charity event, bought a chilis gift card, manscaped, and then spent at least 10 minutes pickin out a filter on your latest present. do you not have a job???

 

makes my dick sad (3:09AM): or hobbies??????

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:10AM):_ that’s actually a pretty tame night for me

 

 _Maggie’s Dick Guy (3:11AM):_ i have a job and hobbies, but that’s irrelevant

 

makes my dick sad (3:16AM): wanna swap jobs? if i gotta clean flour outta my arm one more day i’m gonna go postal

 

makes my dick sad (3:16AM): i think i could handle takin dick pics at charity events for a living

 

[ _Contact’s Name Changed from ‘Maggie’s Dick Guy’ to ‘Charity Dick’!_ ]

 

 _Charity Dick (3:17AM):_ my job isn’t just taking dick pics

 

 _Charity Dick (3:17AM):_ flour? You bake or something? Because i don’t think i could handle that. Unless you want me to burn the place down

 

makes my dick sad (3:25AM): tempting.

 

makes my dick sad (3:25AM): [ _if_i_ever_have_to_make_another_blueberry_tart_ill_die.png attached_ ]

 

 _Charity Dick (3:27AM):_ [ _organized_work_benches_are_myths.png attached_ ] i think you might have the more interesting job

 

makes my dick sad (3:33AM): never mind. im gettin a headache just lookin at that.

 

 

 

makes my dick sad (2:02PM): [ _thanks_for_the_gift_card.png attached_ ] i caved. the breadsticks make me wanna die.

 

 _Charity Dick (2:07PM):_ do they make you want to die less than maggie’s?

 

 _Charity Dick (2:07PM):_ i’ve heard she’s killed a few people

 

makes my dick sad (2:09PM): what if i wasn’t kidding? :/

 

 _Charity Dick (2:10PM):_ then i’d say you’d really need to work on the way you tell people that

 

 _Charity Dick (2:11PM):_ it’s not the worst thing i’ve said even if it is true

 

makes my dick sad (2:15PM): wow

 

_[Contact’s Name Changed from ‘Charity Dick’ to ‘Maggie’s Accomplice’!]_

 

makes my dick sad (2:17PM): [ _screenshot.png attached_ ]

 

 _Maggie’s Accomplice (2:18PM):_ i can’t believe you think i’d have anything to do with that

 

 _Maggie’s Accomplice (2:18PM):_ have the dick pics meant nothing to you?

 

makes my dick sad (2:19PM): vengeance where vengeance is due.

 

makes my dick sad (2:19PM): we’ll always have arbys.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

**2/26/2017**

 

makes my dick sad (5:12AM): my coworker and roommate was trying to find an address in my phone and found all pics you sent of dicks + fast food bag. 

 

makes my dick sad (5:13AM): his primary concern is that i might be sexting someone connected to Maggie's

 

makes my dick sad (5:13AM): so (1) told you so, and (2) thanks for convincing my childhood best friend that I have the world's weirdest kink

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:14AM):  _ you mean this isn’t a kink for you?

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:14AM): _ i can’t believe our relationship has been based on a lie 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:16AM): _ wait you saved the dick pics??? 

 

makes my dick sad (5:22AM): my phone autosaves received pictures. 

 

makes my dick sad (5:22AM): shut up. 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:23AM): _ you saved my dicks pics. I’m so touched. 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:23AM): _ just for that you get another present  _ [burger_king_and_dick.png attached] _

 

makes my dick sad (5:24AM): aw you shouldn’t have. dick and burger king. ain’t that a #7 combo meal?

 

makes my dick sad (5:24AM): but really you shouldn’t have

 

makes my dick sad (5:25AM): best friend saw me open the text. i have no alibi for this 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:27AM):  _ it’s more like a 7’’ combo meal ;) 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:27AM):  _ ask him what he rates the picture. I think you’ve been lowballing me 

 

makes my dick sad (5:28AM): haha 

 

makes my dick sad (5:28AM): “lowballing” 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:28AM):  _ i’m the one sending dick pics but i think out of the two of us, you’re worse 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:29AM):  _ 1/10. 

 

makes my dick sad (5:36AM): wow, i’m hurt 

 

makes my dick sad (5:37AM): i asked steve for a rating btw. 

 

makes my dick sad (5:37AM): he said

 

makes my dick sad (5:37AM): and im quoting here

 

makes my dick sad (5:38AM): “is this what you’ve been doing instead of making the puff pastry? christ.” 

 

makes my dick sad (5:38AM): which I assume is roughly a 5.5/10

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:40AM): _ did you actually show my dick pic to your best friend? 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (5:40AM): _ tell him that my dick is more important than pastries 

 

makes my dick sad (6:31AM): he disagreed.

 

makes my dick sad (6:34AM): and of course i did. i need him to be able to pick you out of a line up when my corpse is inevitably found in the bed of an abandoned F150 

 

makes my dick sad (6:34AM): which is how I assume fast food dick pics end

 

makes my dick sad (6:35AM): especially when they only come at weird hours of the night/morning. 

 

makes my dick sad (6:36AM): i mean im the head baker for the world's best bakery. im supposed to be awake. 

 

makes my dick sad (6:36AM): but those are the only people awake at these times. chefs and murderers. 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (10:46AM): _ ok but i was asleep when you sent that. So i wasn’t awake at the time. 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (10:46AM): _ by your logic i’m neither a murderer or chef 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (10:46AM): _ you might be both tho 

 

makes my dick sad (11:13AM): (1) 3:10AM the maggies offense, (2) 2:21AM arbys, (3) 3:23AM mcdonalds, (4) 8:50PM charity event, (5) 12:05AM chilis (plus gift card), and 5:23AM today. 

 

makes my dick sad (11:14AM): murderer hours. 

 

makes my dick sad (11:14AM): with the possible exception of the charity event. but you took a dick pic at a charity event so that cancels out any semblance of normalcy

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (11:16AM) _ for a moment i thought you were listing times that fast food murders happened to prove your point 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (11:16AM) _ which probably doesn't help my case. I promise i’m just your normal dick pic guy 

 

_ Maggie’s Accomplice (11:17AM) _ how’s it feel to have a dick pic guy? 

 

_ [Contact’s Name Changed from ‘Maggie’s Accomplice’ to ‘Dick Pic Guy’!]  _

 

makes my dick sad (11:18AM):  _ [screenshot.png attached]  _

 

makes my dick sad (11:18AM): pretty special. 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (11:20AM):  _ i always knew we had something special 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (11:20AM):  _ dick pics are a much better thing to be associated with than a bakery murder 

 

makes my dick sad (11:23AM): dunno, you could always multitask

 

makes my dick sad (11:25AM): why are you awake at murder o'clock anyway? 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (11:26AM):  _ to murder obviously

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (11:26AM):  _ i’m actually working. i think that middle of the day is pretty standard work hours and not murder hours. or so i’ve been told

 

makes my dick sad (12:45PM): not what I meant and you know it

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:51PM):  _ i’ve been working every time you’ve texted. Even the charity event was for work

 

makes my dick sad (12:52PM): what kind of work?

 

makes my dick sad (12:52PM): am I allowed to ask? or are we strictly limited to dick pics and ratings?

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:53PM):  _ i make high tech robots that kill people 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:53PM):  _ you really weren’t too far off with the murderer guess 

 

makes my dick sad (12:54PM): really? wow

 

makes my dick sad (12:54PM): i just spent an hour making croissants. 

 

makes my dick sad (12:54PM): way to make a guy feel like he lacks ambition

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:55PM):  _ i’m pretty sure i couldn’t make a croissant to save my life 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:55PM):  _ seems ambitious to me 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (12:56PM):  _ you know i haven’t taken a dick pic with a croissant yet. you should bring me one 

 

makes my dick sad (1:00PM): and risk giving Maggie's insight into the best croissants in Brooklyn?

 

makes my dick sad (1:00PM): fuck off. Never. 

  
  


 

**2/27/2017**

 

 _Dick Pic Guy (2:32AM):_ [ _croissant_and_dick.png attached_ ] did you make this croissant?

 

makes my dick sad (3:44AM): look at the sloppy folding on that. how dare you

 

makes my dick sad (3:44AM): did you get that from Maggie's?

 

makes my dick sad (3:45AM): our friendship might be over if you got that from Maggie's. 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (3:46AM):  _ no. i already ruled out maggie’s as a possibility of being your bakery 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (3:47AM):  _ your name isn’t maggie isn’t? friends tell each other if their names are Maggie. 

 

makes my dick sad (3:55AM): are we at the point where we exchange names? 

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (3:55AM):  _ you just said we’re friends. are you friends with many people you don’t know the name of?

 

_ Dick Pic Guy (3:55AM):  _ my name’s Tony 

 

_ [Contact's Name Changed from 'Dick Pic Guy’ to 'Tony & The Killer Robots’] _

 

makes my dick sad (4:02AM): now I know your name. haha, sucker. [ _screenshot.png attached_ ] 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:03AM):  _ i can’t believe you’re gonna leave me hanging like this 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:03AM):  _ i’m never sending you a dick pic again 

 

makes my dick sad (4:05AM): aw, doll, I'm only teasin

 

makes my dick sad (4:08AM): hi Tony. I'm Bucky. 

 

[Contact's Name Changed from ‘makes my dick sad’ to ‘Bucky the Baker’]

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:10AM):  _ [ _screenshot.png attached_ ] it was either this or ‘gives name for dick pics’ 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:11AM):  _ i decided to be nice 

 

Bucky the Baker (4:12AM): just for that im giving your latest 'present’ a 7/10

 

Bucky the Baker (4:12AM): says somethin real sad about craftsmanship when a dick is the saving grace of a picture of a croissant

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:13AM):  _ well it is a pretty nice dick 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:13AM):  _ do i get anything when i reach a 10/10? 

 

Bucky the Baker (4:21AM): don't wanna get your hopes up but how about reciprocal dick pics? 

 

Bucky the Baker (4:22AM): maybe it'll give you somethin to aspire to ;)

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:23AM):  _ i’m only going to accept it if it’s a perfect 10/10 dick pic in return 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (4:23AM):  _ i have  _ some  _ standards 

 

Bucky the Baker (4:25AM): sure you do, doll.

  
  
  


Bucky the Baker (6:55AM): you ever gonna tell me why I received a dick pic on valentines? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:27PM):  _ i didn’t even know it was valentine’s day  

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:27PM):  _ sent it for the normal reasons people send dick pics for 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:43PM): and here i thought i was your valentine 

  
  
  


Bucky the Baker (6:14PM): i quit. i don’t wanna be a baker anymore. people are the worst

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:15PM):  _ if you ever want to work on killer robots i know a guy 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:15PM):  _ what happened? 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:15PM): i can’t tell if you’re kiddin or not but thats more tempting that id like to admit

 

Bucky the Baker (6:18PM): had a lady come in and order a raspberry and white chocolate mousse cake. 10” (dont you dare), covered in swirls, the works. that kinda thing takes time. but she places it as a rush order.

 

Bucky the Baker (6:20PM): i had it made in record time because im a fuckin professional and i go to deliver it to her apartment, right? 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:21PM): come to find out she ain’t even home. so I call her and she says to leave it on the doorstep. i say that’s a bad idea cuz its fuckin mousse. it’ll collapse on itself if it ain’t refrigerated. she says its fine

 

Bucky the Baker (6:22PM): guess who shows up in the bakery 20 minutes later with a fuckin collapsed cake and a hell of a list of complaints about our ‘shoddy work’? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:23PM):  _ that bitch 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:23PM):  _ i bet her name was Maggie  __

 

Bucky the Baker (6:26PM): might as well have been!!! so this suburbanite piece of dick schnitzel is cussin up a storm right and steve’s just sittin there takin it cuz she’s claiming she was back within 5 minutes and the cake shoulda stayed standing 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:27PM): and we both know she’s full of shit but ain’t got nothin to prove it and shes ranting about the satisfaction guarantee, right? demanding we make another. so i say sure. whatever. my shifts almost over anyway, i ain’t got plans. i’ll make your damn rush order cake. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:29PM): [ _fuckin_masterpiece.png_ ] 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:30PM): this time i preserved evidence before i dropped it off. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:30PM): guess who was back after another 30 minutes with a wilted cake

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:31PM):  _ Maggie the dick schnitzel?

 

Bucky the Baker (6:31PM): Maggie the Goddamn Dick Schnitzel 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:32PM): This time claimin that maybe the bakery wouldn’t have problems crankin out cakes if their head baker had two arms 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:32PM): thats about when steve threw the cake in her face. which almost made the whole thing worth it. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:33PM): i ain’t even mad about the arm comment. thats a waste of TWO CAKES!!! 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:33PM): unbelievable.

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:34PM):  _ you had to waste two masterpieces of cakes 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:35PM):  _ seriously, that’s an awesome cake. much better than anything i could even attempt 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:36PM):  _ if you make me one i promise i won’t let it deflate :) 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:37PM): hah. good. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:37PM): it ain’t a killer robot or anythin but. cakes take time. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:39PM): sorry. probably shouldn’t have just gone off on a rant like that. 

  
  


_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:40PM):  _ hey what is having a dick pic guy for if you can’t rant to him about cakes 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:42PM): ...yeah? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:42PM):  _ yeah 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:47PM): thanks, tony. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:47PM): hope your day was better, at least. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:48PM): you build any cool new killer robots? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:49PM):  _ no. just robots that aren’t cooperating with me 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:49PM):  _ none of them ruined my cake tho so i got that going for me 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:50PM): wait

 

Bucky the Baker (6:50PM): you really actually make robots??? 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:50PM): like Actual robots 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:51PM): real, actual Robots ?? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:52PM):  _ yeah real robots. sometimes. that’s not all i do. Just what’s been occupying my time the past few weeks 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:52PM): no fuckin way. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:52PM): really??????? 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:52PM): prove it 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:53PM):  _ [ _ dum_e_says_hi.mov _ ] i built him a while ago. can’t show you any of the current stuff. i’m sure i’d get yelled at for giving away company secrets if i did 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:54PM): !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Bucky the Baker (6:54PM): hold on.

 

Bucky the Baker (6:58PM): holy shit it’s real. i tried to find that clip online. you actually just took that video. of a robot. 

 

Bucky the Baker (6:58PM): a real life fuckin robot

 

Bucky the Baker (6:58PM): holy shit

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:59PM):  _ i could throw in a dick pic with him in it 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:59PM):  _ but honestly i’d feel weird having my dick out next to him

 

Bucky the Baker (7:00PM): i cant believe i have to try and go to sleep knowing that robots are real and you have one

 

Bucky the Baker (7:00PM): my dick pic guy has a fuckin robot

 

Bucky the Baker (7:01PM): this is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:02PM):  _ your dick pic guy built this robot 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:03PM):  _ and i have robotS. Plural 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:03PM):  _ i’m not some filthy one robot casual

 

Bucky the Baker (7:03PM): tony

 

Bucky the Baker (7:03PM): tony

 

Bucky the Baker (7:04PM): cmon you can’t just say that and not send more evidence

 

Bucky the Baker (7:04PM): tony 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:04PM): cmon buddy please?? 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:04PM): tonyyyy

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:05)  _ [ _ U_also_says_hi.mov _ ] there. No more robots

 

Bucky the Baker (7:05PM): !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Bucky the Baker (7:07PM): I have to go on a walk

 

Bucky the Baker (7:08PM): i can’t believe this

 

Bucky the Baker (7:10PM): robots!!!!!!!! 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:11PM):  _ isn’t it past your bedtime? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:11PM):  _ but if youre going on a walk can you come by and drop off a mousse for me? 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:18PM): no.

 

Bucky the Baker (7:18PM): maybe if you make me a robot. 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:18PM): gnight tony 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:19):  _ send me a dick pic and maybe. Good night bucky

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just fyi neither ivo nor I can believe how much attention this shitpost-disguised-as-a-fic has gotten. you guys are nuts. thank you!!!!
> 
> extra thanks to Shi_Toyu for letting us steal the raspberry cake story (that ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPENED to her!!! incredible)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we did some googling and apparently there actually is a Maggie Bakery in Brooklyn. this is entirely coincidental. 
> 
> whoops.
> 
> As always, Tony is written by Ivo, Bucky is written by Vashoth, and we're happy to introduce Lefty as our Steve.

 

**03/01/2017**

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:23AM):  _ today’s the day i find out where your bakery is 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:23AM):  _ [ _ maid_you_look.png _ ] it’s this one, right? 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:25AM): look at you up and awake at non-murderer hours 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:25AM): and it looks like you found my bakery, the maid cafe

 

Bucky the Baker (11:26AM): my secret is revealed

 

Bucky the Baker (11:26AM): promise you won’t make fun of my stockings?

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:31AM):  _ it turns out that the staff thinks it’s strange if you ask them if they’re keeping a man with a metal arm in a maid outfit in the back 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:31AM): oh my god

 

Bucky the Baker (11:32AM): did you actually ask? 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:32AM): tony i was kidding 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:33AM):  _ i had to be sure 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:33AM):  _ i didn’t ask. my friend did. I’m the one getting strange looks anyway 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:34AM): this is incredible

 

Bucky the Baker (11:34AM): best day of my life

 

Bucky the Baker (11:35AM): my dick pic guy is about to get kicked out of a maid cafe because he asked if I worked there. 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:35AM): hold on, lemme try somethin

 

Bucky the Baker (11:40AM): [ _ stevie_says_no_maid_outfits.mov _ ] :( 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:41AM): sorry doll, I tried 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:42AM):  _ is that steve? He’s not showing the appropriate amount of appreciation for maid outfits 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:42AM):  _ are you laughing? I’ll have you know that maid bakeries are not something to be mocked

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:43AM):  _ i bet Maggie’s would make their employees wear maid outfits if i asked 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:45AM): you’re dead to me

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:46AM):  _ Maggie wouldn’t treat me like this 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:46AM): new phone who dis

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:47AM):  _ it’s me, your maid, Maggie 

 

Bucky the Baker (11:48AM): blocked

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (11:49AM):   _ :( 

  
  
  
  
  


 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (6:46PM):  _ btw you have a nice laugh 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:02PM): ...thank you 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:02PM): are you

 

Bucky the Baker (7:03PM): never mind. ignore that. just tired.

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:03PM):  _ am i what?

 

Bucky the Baker (7:06PM): flirting.

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:07PM):  _ wow 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:07PM):  _ send a guy daily dick pics and he doesn’t blink

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:07PM):  _ but compliment him slightly  _ once  _ and he finally gets the hint

 

Bucky the Baker (7:08PM): shut up

 

Bucky the Baker (7:08PM): its different. somehow. 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:12PM): ...so you are then?

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:12PM):  _ yes

 

Bucky the Baker (7:13PM): oh 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:13PM): wow 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:14PM): fuck idk what to say 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:14PM): thank you? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:15PM):  _ my dick couldn’t make you speechless, but a little flirting has you at a loss for words? 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:15PM): shut up i’m not speechless

 

Bucky the Baker (7:16PM): …

 

Bucky the Baker (7:17PM): maybe a little bit. 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:17PM): fuck

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:18PM):  _ this is adorable 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:18PM):  _ i bet you’re blushing 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:19PM): what? 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:19PM): no

 

Bucky the Baker (7:19PM): i’m not blushing 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:19PM): think you spent too long at that maid cafe

 

Bucky the Baker (7:19PM): i don’t blush

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:20PM):  _ i guess i’ll have to try harder then 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:20PM):  _ unless you want me to stop

  
  
  
  
  


 

_ Stevie (7:20PM) _ : Hey bud love the giggling but some of us are trying to get some shut eye. :)

 

Bucky (7:21PM): shut up no i’m not 

 

_ Stevie (7:21PM) _ : Sorry no of course not    
  


_ Stevie (7:21PM) _ : :)   
  


_ Stevie (7:22PM) _ : [ _ you_not_giggling.mov attached _ ]

 

Bucky (7:22PM): ???????????????????

 

Bucky (7:22PM): did you just 

 

Bucky (7:23PM): fuck you

 

Bucky (7:23PM): and why are you texting me i’m less than ten feet away you fucking punk 

 

_ Stevie (7:24PM) _ : you’re enabling it by responding 

 

_ Stevie (7:24PM) _ : i’ve never done anything wrong in my life pal

  
  
_ Stevie (7:26PM) _ : Glad you got a guyfriend to make u giggle though im real happy for you

  
  
_ Stevie (7:26PM) _ : winky face

 

_ Stevie (7:26PM) _ : now please, you jerk. Let. Me. Sleep.

 

Bucky (7:27PM): he’s not my guyfriend. 

 

Bucky (7:27PM): i think 

 

Bucky (7:28PM): probably 

 

_ Stevie (7:30PM) _ : [ _ you_not_giggling.mov attached _ ]   
  


_ Stevie (7:30PM) _ : Night night Buck.

 

Bucky (7:31PM): oh fuck off

 

Bucky (7:32PM): gnight punk 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky the Baker (7:37PM): You don’t gotta stop. 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:38PM): if you don’t wanna stop, i mean 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:39PM):  _ i don’t want to stop :) 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:40PM):  _ the dick pics won’t stop either. this isn’t a tradeoff

 

Bucky the Baker (7:40PM): haha

 

Bucky the Baker (7:40PM): course not 

 

Bucky the Baker (7:41PM): wouldn’t expect anythin less

 

Bucky the Baker (7:42PM): gnight, tony. <3 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (7:42PM):  _ good night, bucky <3 

  
  
  
  
  


 

_ Stevie (7:42PM) _ : Hey hey pal :) bud : ) friend     :) 

 

_ Stevie (7:42PM) _ : James Buchanan Barnes. :)

  
  
_ Stevie (7:43PM) _ : GO TO SLEEdvslkl

 

_ Stevie (7:45PM) _ : You’re not getting this pillow back.

 

Bucky (7:45PM): :) 

 

_ Stevie (7:46PM) _ : [ _ you_not_giggling.mov attached _ ]

 

_ Bucky (7:46PM) _ : i hate you so much. 

 

Stevie (7:47PM): Love you too pal,  **_sleep_ ** well

  
  
  
  
  


**03/02/2017**

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:26PM) _ okay i’ve figured it out. This is definitely your bakery 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:26PM) [pussies_without_cocks.png]  _ youre supposed to stop after two cats, you know 

 

Bucky the Baker (1:27PM): is the pictured redhead your assistant? 

 

Bucky the Baker (1:27PM): she looks more smug than the cats

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:28PM):  _ she might actually kill you if she hears you calling her my assistant 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (1:28PM):  _ the smug look is just her face

  
  
  
  
  


James B. (1:28PM): how much do you know

 

_ Natalia (1:29PM) _ : I know lots of things, Bucky the Baker.

 

James B. (1:30PM): fuck

 

James B. (1:30PM): don’t tell him, nat. 

 

James B. (1:31PM): please.  

 

_ Natalia (1:31PM): _ Tell who what exactly? Tell Tony your full name and address? Or how about the location and google review rating of your bakery? Or how you’ve been painfully single for about three years? 

 

James B. (1:33PM): any of the above. please, nat. 

 

_ Natalia (1:35PM):  _ Why? He’s cute and single. You’re cute and single. Knowing Tony, you’ve already seen his dick. 

 

James B. (1:36PM): ….he’s cute? 

 

_ Natalia (1:37PM): _ Wow. 

 

James B. (1:37PM): fuck off

 

_ Natalia (1:38PM) _ : He already means that much to you? 

 

James B. (1:43PM): I.. don’t know. its just nice to have someone that doesnt know me. 

 

James B. (1:43PM): doesnt think of me as the grim depressing bastard i am. its freeing.

 

_ Natalia (1:44PM) _ : You know, it’s entirely possible that he will continue to like you even when he gets the full picture.

 

James B. (1:45PM): you n i both know there ain’t a fairy godmother out there potent enough to turn this rotten pumpkin into anything other than a bitter one-armed vet. 

 

_ Natalia (1:48PM) _ : You do yourself a disservice, Bucky. 

 

James B. (1:48PM): its my call. give me your word that you wont tell him, nat.

 

_ Natalia (1:51PM) _ : Fine. But the information block goes two ways. I won’t tell him anything about you, and won’t tell you anything about him.

 

James B. (1:55PM): thank you

 

James B. (1:56PM): i owe you.

 

_ Natalia (1:58PM) _ : Yep. Calling dibs on all experimental batches of tiramisu for the foreseeable future. 

 

James B. (2:00PM): done and done. 

  
  
  


 

Bucky the Baker (2:05PM): somehow I don’t have any trouble believing that. 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:06PM): that’s not my cafe, though I’ve been trying to convince stevie to let us get a cat in here for weeks

 

Bucky the Baker (2:06PM): dyou think we could list our place as a cat cafe if there’s only one cat? 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:08PM):  _ i think if you put it in a maid costume you can list it as a couple of things 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:12PM): stevie says no cats in maid outfits 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:13PM): something something health code violations

 

Bucky the Baker (2:14PM): im considering mutiny

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:16PM):  _ i’d stage a mutiny over that too 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:16PM):  _ tell steve he’s a fun ruiner. Doesnt appreciate dick pics. Turned down maid outfits. Doesnt like cats 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:17PM):  _ you should open a bakery with someone that enjoys all of those things 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:22PM): yeah?

 

Bucky the Baker (2:22PM): you offering? 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:23PM): we can call it ‘Fresh Maid Dicks and Pussies’ 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:28PM) _ : yeah i’m offering 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:28PM):  _ but only because i havent had a use for my maid outfit for a few years now 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:29PM): promises, promises

 

Bucky the Baker (2:30PM): that’d be somethin tho, huh?

 

Bucky the Baker (2:31PM): i’ll start buyin lottery tickets so we can carve out our own little corner of Brooklyn

 

Bucky the Baker (2:31PM): wouldn’t mind being able to spend the day with you :) 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:42PM):  _ i think i could scrounge up enough to get us off the ground. No lottery tickets needed 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:43PM):  _ or hey we can do a fundraiser 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:43PM):  _ a carwash in maid themed bikinis 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:45PM): that might be up to you, doll

 

Bucky the Baker (2:45PM): didntcha hear stevie in the vid? i’ll “scare off the customers” haha 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:46PM): think you might have dibs on being the Pretty One 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:50PM):  _ for all you know i could be a troll 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:50PM):  _ so impressed by my dick, youre assuming the rest of me is pretty too? 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:53PM): [ _ Ron_Swanson_I_know_what_Im_about_son.gif attached _ ] 

 

Bucky the Baker (2:53PM): besides

 

Bucky the Baker (2:53PM): dunno, you seem like you’re pretty cute. call it a hunch.

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (2:54PM):  _ i bet you say that to all the boys that send you dick pics

 

Bucky the Baker (3:02PM): just you, doll. <3

  
  
  
  


**3/03/2017**

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:17AM):  _ [ _ you_maid_my_day.png _ ] i didn’t find your bakery today, but hey is this your croissant? 

 

Bucky the Baker (3:22AM): jesus christ, doll 

 

Bucky the Baker (3:23AM): you weren’t kiddin about the maid outfit were you

 

Bucky the Baker (3:24AM): that’s uh 

 

Bucky the Baker (3:25AM):  _ christ _

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:26AM):   _ what’s the matter? cat got your tongue?

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:26AM):  _ see, i knew my dick could make you speechless

 

Bucky the Baker (3:27AM): holy fuck. gmornin to you too, doll

 

Bucky the Baker (3:29AM): i need to go stand in the walk-in for a bit. 

 

Bucky the Baker (3:29AM): warn a guy, would ya??? nearly passed out in front of stevie 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:30AM):  _ i’ve never had to warn you before 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:30AM):  _ why’s this time so different?

 

Bucky the Baker (3:32AM): are you kiddin me?? why do you think __

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:33AM):  _ don’t know

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:33AM):  _ hey this is your warning 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:34AM): [lend_me_a_hand.png] _

 

Bucky the Baker (3:34AM):  _ fuck _ . 

 

[ _ Incoming call from ‘Bucky the Baker’ to ‘Tony & The Killer Robots’ at 3:36AM! _ ]

 

[ _ Call from ‘Bucky the Baker’ to ‘Tony & The Killer Robots’ ended at 3:48AM! _ ] 

 

Bucky the Baker (3:50AM): sleep well, tony ;) 

 

_ Tony & The Killer Robots (3:52AM):  _ oh, i will. have a good day at work ;) 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come join the 18+ Winteriron server!](https://discord.gg/A32YB6Y) You can join Ivo and I's eternal quest to aggressively encourage more fluff, humour, and ridiculousness in Winteriron.


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